Wow,

Been quite some time since I've been on, and an unbelievable amount has changed in my life since my last post. I no longer live at home, I now live with a family who feels as though they are my biological family. They treat me with such love and understanding, something that I struggle to get from my actual family. I find it hard some days to get through with out getting very depressed about where I stand in life. As much as I love the people I am living with now I just wish that I were able to get along with my own family as well as I do with them. I don't believe it is their intention of disappointing me, but nevertheless, I am disappointed.

My mom is on the other side of the country and I've always been a "Mama's Boy" being without her everyday is quite an upset, but as with all things I am getting used to it. As for the career aspect of my life I hold two positions of employment, however, i seem to have more days off each week then actually working. I don't know if I am just not fitting my supervisors standards, forcing them to cut back on my shifts, or if they are intentionally letting my schedules grow bare. I try to please everyone, but I seem to just disappoint.

As of this point I have a strong sense of lonesome, helplessness, and discouragement as I have lost touch with every single one of my go-to people in my life. All I can do at this point is sit around and watch everyone else excel at everything that they do, as I fail miserably. I don't enjoy hurting people, it just seems that's all I ever do.

Having this sense of helplessness has kicked in my human instinct of making a change in my life, however, I have no idea how to do so. I have so many options but no clue how to pursue any of them. I really need some help but as always am to bold to inquire. I really hate life, it can basically do whatever it wants to an individual without feeling any type of remorse. I am not afraid of the day I die, by anymeans, I just hope it is quick and painless.

I see no value in life, you know? What IS life? When does it begin? Because from what I can tell "life" is all about going out and earning your days here on earth. My ideal life would include no form of working, for there is no enjoyment in the "working life" i am a man who truely seeks out all that life has to offer, but how can you do so when you are chained down by society.

FML on this one guys, I've gone off the deep end.

-Until next time. ♦

TODAY did not start off the way that it should of. Instead of proceeding to my car to go to class after I got ready this morning I decided to go back to sleep. If this had been any other class I would of gotten over the fact that I missed class. But this is infact the one class that I am so far behind already; missing class just seems out of the question.

I'm getting ready now to do a little math studying before I actually go to class at 2:30; this class isn't going so hot either, but I am actually understanding the material unlike my Programming class. When I am done my math class at 4:20 I am going to come home and relax, and at one point tonight complete my last Rhetorical Precis on "The Stanford Prison Experiment."

 

-until next time.♦